My Joke Collections

A Movie

Movie Name:- SHOCK..

Director:- Who else??? RAMGOPAL VERMAJJJ

A thrilling suspense story !!!

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Mom, Dad and Son (Hero)......

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The Boy saw a girl and falls in love with her

Luckily she comes to stay opp his house !!!

He proposes her

Love goes smoothly

One day Dad saw his son with that girl

Son is shocked !!!

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Interval.... .

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Dad askd "Who is that girl ?

Son : I love her Dad and I want to marry her

Dad is shocked !!!

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Climax

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Dad : Its impossible. You cannot marry her !!!

Dad :"Because she is your sister"

Son is shocked !!!

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And now, a twist in the story !!!

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Mom "Dont worry son, I will arrange your marriage.... You are not his son !

Dad gets Shocked !!

झूठ पकडनेवाला रोबोट

एक दिन राजू के पापा एक रोबोट ले कर आये.

वह रोबोट झूठ पकड़ सकता था और झूठ बोलने वाले को गाल पर खीँच कर चांटा मार देता था.

आज राजू स्कूल से घर देर से आया था... पापा ने पूछा "घर लौटने में देर
क्यो हो गयी?"

"आज हमारी एक्स्ट्रा क्लासेस थी" राजू ने जवाब दिया...

रोबोट अचानक अपनी जगह से उछला और जमकर राजू के गाल पर चांटा मार दिया.

पापा हंसकर बोले, "ये रोबोट हर झूठ को पकड़ सकता है और झूठ बोलने वाले को
चांटा भी मारता है. अब सच क्या है यह बताओ... कहाँ गए थे?"

"में फिल्म देखने गया था" राजू बोला

"कौन सी फिल्म?" पापा ने कड़ककर पूछा

"हनुमान"
चटाक... अभी राजू की बात पूरी भी नहीं हुई थी की उसके गाल पर रोबोट ने एक
जोर का चांटा मारा.

"कौन सी फिल्म?" पापा ने फिर पूछा

"कातिल जवानी."

पापा ग़ुस्से में बोले "शर्म आनी चाहिए तुम्हे. जब में तुम्हारे जितना था
तब ऐसी हरकत नहीं किया करता था."

चटाक... रोबोट ने एक चांटा मारा... इस बार पापा के गाल पर.

यह सुनते ही मम्मी किचन में से आते हुए बोली "आख़िर तुम्हारा बेटा है
ना... झूठ तो बोलेगा ही"

अब मम्मी की बारी थी... चटाक...

Tension Tension Tension

Ladki ne aapse lift mangi,

Raste mein uski tabiat kaharab ho gai.

Aapko TENSION !!

Aap hospital le gaye,

Doctor bola – aap baap banne wale ho

Aapko TENSION !!

Aap bole – Mai iska baap nahi !

Phir ladki se pucha

Ladki boli – yehi baap hai.

Aapko aur TENSION!!

Phir police ayi

Aapka medical check up hua.

Report aayi.

Aap to kabhi baap hi nahi ban sakte.

Aapko aur TENSION !!

Aap ne khuda ka shukar ada kiya aur aap Khushi Khushi ghar gaye !

Aur phir socha Ki ghar pe jo bachchay hai
Wo kiske hai…????????

A True Love story with happy ending

A boy and a girl were in love.

When the girl's father came to know
about their love, he did not like it at
all, and so began to protest about it.

Now it happened that the two lovers
decided to leave their homes for a happy
future.

The girl's father started searching for
the two lovers but could not find
them .

At last, he accepted their love and
asked them to come back home thru a

local newspaper. Her father said "If
you both come back I will allow you to marry the
guy you love, I accept that you loved
each other truly."

So in this way, their love won and they
returned home.

The couple next day went to town to shop
for the wedding dress. He was dressed
in a white shirt that day. While he was
crossing the road to the other side to
get some drinks for his wife, a car
came and hit him and he died on the spot.

The girl was devastated and lost her
senses. It was only after sometime that
she recovered from her shock.

The funeral and cremation was the very
next day because he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl's mother had
a dream in which she saw an old lady.
The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood
stains of the guy from her daughter's
dress as soon as possible. But her
mother ignored the dream.

The next night her father had the same
dream , he also ignored it. Then the
girl had the same dream the next night, she
woke up in fear and told her mother
about the dream. Her mother asked her
to wash the clothes with the blood
stains

immediately.

She washed the stains but some remained.
Next night she again had the same
dream. She again washed the stains but some
still remained. But again the next
night she had the same dream and this
time the old lady gave her a last
warning to wash the blood stain, or
else something terrible would happen.

This time the girl tried her best to
wash the stains, and the clothes
nearly tore, but some stains still remained.

She was very tired.

In the late evening the same day while
she was alone at home, someone knocked
on the door. When she opened the door
she saw the same old lady of her dream
standing at her door. She got very
scared and fainted.

The old lady woke her up... and gave her
a blue object, which shocked the girl.

She asked "What is this...?" The old
lady replied...

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"This is Nirma Washing Powder"

"Washing powder nirma,Washing powder
nirma

Doodh si safedi nirma se aaye,

Rangeen kapde bhi khil khil jaye,

sabki pasand nirma

Washing powder nirma,Washing powder
nirma.Nirma"

10 ka 1, do pe ek free

I know how you all are feeling now...

I have been through this too.

I'm also hunting for the idiot who mailed this to me

keep smiling !!!!!!

Me & My Boss

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it, he is busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers,

When I do wrong, he never forgets

Dairy of newly married housewife

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

Little Rabbit

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot... The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers...... .....

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"That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours
every time he's high on cocaine!".....

Software engineer and his wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

make a woman happy

To make a woman happy..... A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Leave him alone

Ukhan Tukka English Version Revisited‏

खाई न पाई छालाको टोपी लाई
Eating na getting, putting leather cap

घाँटी हेरी हाड निल्नु
Look at the neck and swallow the bone

एक कान दुई कान मैदान
One ear two ear, playground

अछ्यु खाए बछ्यु खाए, झुसे बारुलो
Hornet ate bachhyu ate, hairy wasp

काग कराउदै गर्छ पिना सुक्दै गर्छ
Crow crying, pina drying

चिन्नु न जान्नु घचेडी माग्नु
Don't know don't know push and beg

भाग्यमानी को भूतै कमारो
Lucky person has ghost servant

म पनि खान्दानी को छोरा हो
I am also a son of Tiffin Carrier

कहिं नभाको जात्रा हाँडीगाउँमा
Nowhere festival in pot village

नखाँउ भने दिनभरिको शिकार, खाउँभने कान्छा बाउको अनुहार
If no eat whole day's hunting, if eat face of uncle

हात्ती आयो हात्ती आयो फुस्सा
Elephant coming elephant coming phussa becoming

केटा केटी आए, गुलेली खेलाए, गुच्चाको नास
Boy girl come, play slingshot, loss of marble

जब भयो राती, तब बुढी ताती
When it becomes night, Wife becomes hot.

कस्लाई के को चिन्ता, घर ज्वाइँलाई खानाको चिन्ता
Who what tension, who what tenstion, House son-in-law eating tension.

कस्को बाउको के तागत, म पनि खान्दानको छोरा हुँ
Whose father, what vitamin I'm the son of Tiffin Carrier

Too Cool

1 ) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called
"Saints"
But now they are called.. " IT professionals "

2 ) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:
"If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

3. ) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present.. Its just that,
One loves too much, And
the other loves too many,

4. ) Employee:
Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS:
Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

5. ) Philosophy of life
At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as
GOD ,

Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6. ) What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams...!

7. ) Useful
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"
No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8.) Girl:
Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper:
Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"
Girl:
That's good, Give me 12 of them..!

9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you...! "
Applicant:
What is it?
Interviewer:
Its called the "door..!"

10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us

Why is HONEY golden in color?

Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,
which I want to bring to your notice.

There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.
One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but wasunable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

Regards,
Banta

Secret for Longevity

Night Classes

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers', if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of 'Confessions', if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

Vacuum sales

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door.

Before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Marriage proposals from shaadi.com!!! ur gonna die laughing!!!

These are ads taken from Shaadi.com - Guys searching for brides...

Real good English we all should learn from this

These are actual ads. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!

Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this.....

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- Hello To Viewers My Name is Shekhar , I am single i don't have female, If anyone want to Marie to me u can visit to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart...when ever u want to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Shekhar ~*~

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i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?)

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Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. she may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you

(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

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she should be good looking and should have a service. she Should have one brother and one sister. she should be educated. (ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

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am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Because friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........hold my hand forever !!!

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i am simple boy.I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck now i am looking one gal she care me and love me lot lot lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

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i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while stepping out of house she should give respect to our cast (Wat the hell...)

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HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING BOY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.

(all of us are loughing{laughing} )

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whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is too like this she would be called the woman of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this boy wants)

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i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love thepatner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok

(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome")

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HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK

(the "ok syndrome" again)

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I am pran my family history my two brother two sister and Father&mother sister complity marred

(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)

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iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. iam doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.

(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

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my name is muhamad and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(height of desperation! )

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Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome guy or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good guy. My father already expired . THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.

(uttama purushan)

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iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.

(No comments)

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I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.

(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

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hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...

(but credit cards not accepted..?? ?)

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my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service

(Zebra..???)

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i'm looking out for who lives in bombay , girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.

(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

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to be married on jan-2006. working woman perferable

(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride.I wish him best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)

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i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the maharani.

(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)

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ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.

(Any takers again?)

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If still alive after laughing your heart out, then thank me for this wonderful piece!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Request for raise in salary

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations..
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss hi.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.