Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He
gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on
our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one
before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
2 sardars were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more.
Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto.
A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
Sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol
se start hoti hai.
Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ? Simple. Just
knock the door and they will open it.
Sardarji Collections
1- Sardar ji is buying a TV
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
2- Sardar Ji calls Air India.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
Thank you." says the Sardar ji and hangs up.
3- Sardar ji is filling up a job application
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED
After much thought he writes: Yes
4- Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask."
The Sardar asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The Sardar says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos.
His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a Thermos flask."
The boss asks, "What does it do?"
He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
5- Sardarji fixed an answering machine at home.
Two days later he disconnected it because he was getting complaints
like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai."
6- What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
7- What does Sardarji do when he has one white sheet and wants an extra
sheet?
He makes a photocopy of the white sheet.
8- There was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters.
They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point,
"Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"
That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave...
"No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then
we would become a State of USA and develop automatically."
All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd
was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.
The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE
WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"
9- Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned
to tell the salesman
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognised me," he thought.
He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour,
new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
10- Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
11- How do you measure Sardarji's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
12- Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is
being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
"71st and *again* barefoot!"
13- What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
14- What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
15- How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
16- What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.
17- Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
18- Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.
19- How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.
20- What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
21- What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes? The back of his head.
22- What do you call a Sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
23- What do you call a Sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh.
24- Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
25- Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
26- How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
27- Why can't Sardar dial 911? They can not find the eleven on the phone
28- How do you get Sardar on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.
29- "Oh, look at the dead bird." Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
30- What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them.
31- Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
32- The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometres a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the
doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."
33- Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station.
Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
34- A Sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "Kyon
Sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai"
Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "
35- Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takesalong some wine and chicken with him.
Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?"
Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun"
36- Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when
the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 Rupees, the Sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the
barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash
his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
Said his wife " What's the matter?"
Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
37- Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing;
what are you thanking God for?" The Sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I
would have been missing too."
38- Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate
"Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese."
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?"
" Aah, read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."
39- Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space. The ground control issues commands "Rubi!" "Woof!" (it's the
barking sound)
"Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!"
"Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!" "Sardarji!" "Woof."
Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
40- Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji
figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
41)This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him ;kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai.;
Sardarji replies ;Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata"
42)A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, ;I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I acccidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.;
Oh Dear!; the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. But ... what happened to the other ear?;
The scoundrel called back. SAID SARDARJI;
43)Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. Oye, I am only following the instructions 'Answer in brief'.;
44)Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied ;Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, and thought, and thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK !!!;
45)Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees , the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Asked a person next to him ; What's the matter?; Replied he ;The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else.;
"Do you have color TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
2- Sardar Ji calls Air India.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
Thank you." says the Sardar ji and hangs up.
3- Sardar ji is filling up a job application
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED
After much thought he writes: Yes
4- Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a Thermos flask."
The Sardar asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The Sardar says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos.
His Sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It's a Thermos flask."
The boss asks, "What does it do?"
He replies, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The Sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
5- Sardarji fixed an answering machine at home.
Two days later he disconnected it because he was getting complaints
like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai."
6- What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies?
He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
7- What does Sardarji do when he has one white sheet and wants an extra
sheet?
He makes a photocopy of the white sheet.
8- There was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters.
They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point,
"Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?"
That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave...
"No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then
we would become a State of USA and develop automatically."
All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd
was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.
The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE
WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"
9- Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned
to tell the salesman
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.
"Damn, he recognised me," he thought.
He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour,
new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
10- Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
11- How do you measure Sardarji's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
12- Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is
being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
"71st and *again* barefoot!"
13- What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
14- What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
15- How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
16- What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.
17- Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
18- Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.
19- How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.
20- What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
21- What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes? The back of his head.
22- What do you call a Sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
23- What do you call a Sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh.
24- Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
25- Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
26- How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
27- Why can't Sardar dial 911? They can not find the eleven on the phone
28- How do you get Sardar on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.
29- "Oh, look at the dead bird." Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
30- What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them.
31- Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
32- The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometres a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the
doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 2400 kms from home."
33- Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station.
Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?"
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
34- A Sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "Kyon
Sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai"
Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "
35- Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takesalong some wine and chicken with him.
Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?"
Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun"
36- Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when
the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 Rupees, the Sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the
barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash
his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
Said his wife " What's the matter?"
Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
37- Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing;
what are you thanking God for?" The Sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I
would have been missing too."
38- Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate
"Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese."
"How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?"
" Aah, read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."
39- Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space. The ground control issues commands "Rubi!" "Woof!" (it's the
barking sound)
"Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!"
"Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!" "Sardarji!" "Woof."
Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
40- Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji
figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
41)This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him ;kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai.;
Sardarji replies ;Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata"
42)A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, ;I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I acccidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.;
Oh Dear!; the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. But ... what happened to the other ear?;
The scoundrel called back. SAID SARDARJI;
43)Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. Oye, I am only following the instructions 'Answer in brief'.;
44)Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied ;Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, and thought, and thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK !!!;
45)Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees , the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Asked a person next to him ; What's the matter?; Replied he ;The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else.;
Bubble in the Bathtub
New lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce
themselves with name and hobby.
She said, "Let's start with the boys first."
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the
bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.
Well, Ok. In fact we
must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially
a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend. Ok next."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Har! ry and my hobby is
to see bubble in the bathtub."
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach
un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl;
Yes you..."
Most beautiful girl of the class: "Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby
is to take bath three times a day."
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce
themselves with name and hobby.
She said, "Let's start with the boys first."
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the
bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.
Well, Ok. In fact we
must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially
a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend. Ok next."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Har! ry and my hobby is
to see bubble in the bathtub."
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach
un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl;
Yes you..."
Most beautiful girl of the class: "Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby
is to take bath three times a day."
Letter to and From HelpDesk
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Please help!
--Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a virus that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3
--Help Desk
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Please help!
--Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a virus that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance.
I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3
--Help Desk
Msg to Santa
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Quick Eye Exam...
This will blow your mind...!
Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!
Try this its actually quite good.
But don't cheat!
Count the number of F's in the following text in
15 seconds:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
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Managed it?
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Scroll down only after you have counted them!
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OK?
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How many?
Three? (You r definitely male!!!)
Wrong, there are six - no joke!
Read again!
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FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
The reasoning is further down...
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The MALE brain cannot process the word "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go has
a brain of a Female
You can test this by asking a Guy/Girl near you to
work it out.
It really works.
Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!
Try this its actually quite good.
But don't cheat!
Count the number of F's in the following text in
15 seconds:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
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Managed it?
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Scroll down only after you have counted them!
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OK?
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How many?
Three? (You r definitely male!!!)
Wrong, there are six - no joke!
Read again!
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FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
The reasoning is further down...
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The MALE brain cannot process the word "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go has
a brain of a Female
You can test this by asking a Guy/Girl near you to
work it out.
It really works.
Non-disturbing Mail
Kathmandu ko
****************
balaju najikai ko
*************
naya buspark ko
***************
gadi no. 420 ko
**************
route ma parne itahari ko
********************
euta sano gauko najikai ko
*******************
samsaan ghat ko
***************
chowkidar ko
*****************
ghar najikai basne kukkur ko
***********************
agadi ko right side ko
*****************
Leg ko
***************
tesro aaula ko
**************
nail ma lukera baseko jumra ko
*****************
pet ma basne bacteria ko
********************
chromosomal DNA ko
*******************
Thymine nucleotide ko
********************
5th carbon ko
*******************
outer shell ko
*****************
4th electron ko kassam,
*****************
*****************
timilai disturb garna matra maile yo mail pathayeko hu.
Disturb bhayo haina? ???????
*******************
Disturb bhayeko bhaye, malai aafno ghar ko
********************
room ma raheko computer ko
****************
keyboard ko
*******************
buttons lai right and left hands ko
***************
aaulaharu ko
******************
tips le type garera najikai ko
**********************
mouse ko
*********************
left button lai right hand ko
*******************
index finger ko
*****************
tip le click garera send garera mero ghar ko
*******************
mero room ko
*****************
computer ko
**************
mero e-mail box ko
********************
inbox ma pathayera malai disturb garnu hola.Plsssssssssssss.
****************
balaju najikai ko
*************
naya buspark ko
***************
gadi no. 420 ko
**************
route ma parne itahari ko
********************
euta sano gauko najikai ko
*******************
samsaan ghat ko
***************
chowkidar ko
*****************
ghar najikai basne kukkur ko
***********************
agadi ko right side ko
*****************
Leg ko
***************
tesro aaula ko
**************
nail ma lukera baseko jumra ko
*****************
pet ma basne bacteria ko
********************
chromosomal DNA ko
*******************
Thymine nucleotide ko
********************
5th carbon ko
*******************
outer shell ko
*****************
4th electron ko kassam,
*****************
*****************
timilai disturb garna matra maile yo mail pathayeko hu.
Disturb bhayo haina? ???????
*******************
Disturb bhayeko bhaye, malai aafno ghar ko
********************
room ma raheko computer ko
****************
keyboard ko
*******************
buttons lai right and left hands ko
***************
aaulaharu ko
******************
tips le type garera najikai ko
**********************
mouse ko
*********************
left button lai right hand ko
*******************
index finger ko
*****************
tip le click garera send garera mero ghar ko
*******************
mero room ko
*****************
computer ko
**************
mero e-mail box ko
********************
inbox ma pathayera malai disturb garnu hola.Plsssssssssssss.
Where is GOD?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"
Genie from Beach
A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,” know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,” know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
Having to Take a Whisper
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
Askin for $
Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply �an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply �an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Corporate Lingo
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES PROJECT LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES PROJECT LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Laloo Appointment letter at MICROSOFT
Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA .
A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further
correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
In the other hand,
Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a press conference : 'Bhaaiyon aur Behano, aap ko jaan kar khushi
hogee ki hum ko Amreeca mein naukri mil gayee hai.'
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued......
'Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa... Parr letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno
zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva.
A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further
correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
In the other hand,
Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a press conference : 'Bhaaiyon aur Behano, aap ko jaan kar khushi
hogee ki hum ko Amreeca mein naukri mil gayee hai.'
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued......
'Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa... Parr letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno
zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva.
If Microsoft Built Cars
If Microsoft Built Cars...
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
Causes of arthritis
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
Brother's Way
I was recently riding with a friend of mine.
We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.
We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.
We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why do you do that?!"
He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."
We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.
We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.
We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why do you do that?!"
He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."
हब्सी धावक
एउटा खेलाडीले आफ्नो गुरुलाई सोध्यो हब्सी धावकहरु किन यति घेरै च्याम्पियन हुन्छन् - दौडमा फर्स्ट भएन भने नुहाउनु पर्छ भनेर कोचले उनिहरुलाई भनेका हुन्छन त्यसैले गुरुले उत्तर दियो।
पसले
एक दिन एउटा पसले मरेछ , यमराजको अगाडी पुगेपछि यमराजले पसलेलाई सोधेछ,’ भन् तिमी कहाँ जान चाहान्छौ ? पसले,’ म स्वर्ग पनि जान चाहान्न र नर्क पनि जान चाहान्न , बरु म (स्वर्ग र नर्कको) बिचमै बस्छु र पसल थाप्छु अनि दुबैतिरको ग्राहक मेरो पसलमा आँउछन् ।
६४ वटा दाँत
तीन चार जना मध्ये दुई जना झगडा गरिरहेका थिए । पहिलोले भन्दै थियो ,’ एक बक्सिङ्ग हानेर तेरो ६४ वटै दाँत भुँईमा खसाली दिन्छु । झगडा नगरेको अर्कोले हाँस्दै प्याच भन्यो ,’ मान्छेको पनि ६४ वटा दाँत हुन्छ र ??’ ‘चुप लाग !! त बिचमा बोल्छस् भन्ने थाहा भएर तेरो दाँत पनि अगाडीनै गनेको हो ।’ पहिलो भन्यो ।
जिन्दगी है छोटी हर पल मे खुश रहो...
जिन्दगि है छोटी हर पल मे खुश रहो...
ऑफ़िस मे खुश रहो, घर मे खुश रहो..
आज पनीर नही है, दाल मे ही खुश रहो,
आज जीम जाने क समय नही, दो कदम चल के ही खुश रहो..
आज दोस्तों का साथ नही, TV देख के ही खुश रहो..
आज कोइ नाराज़ है, उसके इस अंदाज़ मे भी खुश रहो..
ज़िसे देख नही सकते उसकी आवाज़ मे ही खुश रहो...
ज़िसे पा नही सकते उसके याद मे ही खुश रहो...
SW करने का सोचा था, Civil मे ही खुश रहो...
Laptop ना मिला तो क्या, Desktop मे ही खुश रहो..
बीता हुआ कल जा चुका है, उसकी मीठी यादे है, उनमे ही खुश रहो..
आने वाले पल का पता नही.. सपनो मे ही खुश रहो...
हसते हसते ये पल बितायेंगे, आज मे ही खुश रहो...
जिन्दगी है छोटी, हर पल मे खुश रहो.....!!
ऑफ़िस मे खुश रहो, घर मे खुश रहो..
आज पनीर नही है, दाल मे ही खुश रहो,
आज जीम जाने क समय नही, दो कदम चल के ही खुश रहो..
आज दोस्तों का साथ नही, TV देख के ही खुश रहो..
आज कोइ नाराज़ है, उसके इस अंदाज़ मे भी खुश रहो..
ज़िसे देख नही सकते उसकी आवाज़ मे ही खुश रहो...
ज़िसे पा नही सकते उसके याद मे ही खुश रहो...
SW करने का सोचा था, Civil मे ही खुश रहो...
Laptop ना मिला तो क्या, Desktop मे ही खुश रहो..
बीता हुआ कल जा चुका है, उसकी मीठी यादे है, उनमे ही खुश रहो..
आने वाले पल का पता नही.. सपनो मे ही खुश रहो...
हसते हसते ये पल बितायेंगे, आज मे ही खुश रहो...
जिन्दगी है छोटी, हर पल मे खुश रहो.....!!
Me & My Boss
When I take a long time to finish, I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time, He is thorough
When I don't do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, He is busy,
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, He takes the initiative,
When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, He is cooperating,
When I make a mistake, You're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, He's only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office, He's on business.
When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, He must be very ill.
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, It's because he's overworked
When I do well, My boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, He never forgets
$100
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Another Bad Day
A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"
The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having another bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"
The bartender says, "Damn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."
The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
Johnny Learns Politics
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
10 Worst Company Domains
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Toast
Little Johnny's parents were trying to potty train him. When he went to the bathroom, though, he hit everything but the toilet. Mom would then have to go in and clean up after him.
After two weeks, she had had enough, and took Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor said, "Well, his unit is too small. An old wives' tale says to give him two slices of toast each morning and his unit will grow. He will then be able to hold it and aim straight."
Next morning, Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table were 12 slices of toast. "Mom," Johnny yelled, "the doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!"
"I know," his mom said and smiled. "The other 10 are for your father."
After two weeks, she had had enough, and took Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor said, "Well, his unit is too small. An old wives' tale says to give him two slices of toast each morning and his unit will grow. He will then be able to hold it and aim straight."
Next morning, Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table were 12 slices of toast. "Mom," Johnny yelled, "the doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!"
"I know," his mom said and smiled. "The other 10 are for your father."
Final Exam (true story)
A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well-kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet: "Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with proof."
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions:
Condition One: if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.
Conversely, Condition Two: if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me during my first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions:
Condition One: if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.
Conversely, Condition Two: if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me during my first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic.
Bad Luck
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck".
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck".
Letter to Dad and Mom
Dear mom and dad,
Since I left for the college I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down.
Ok? Well then, I am getting pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent a week in the hospital now I can see almost normally and only get sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by and attendant at the gas station near the dormitory, and she was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. She also visited me in the hospital and since I have no where to live because of burnt out dormitory, she was kind enough to invite me to share her department with her. Its really a best met room but it is kind of cute. She is a very fine girl and we fallen deeply in love and are planning on getting married. We haven’t got the exact date yet but it will be before her pregnancy begins to show. Yes mother and dad she is pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to bring grand parents and I know that you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and diversion and tender care you gave me when I was child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my girl friend a minor infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood test and I care fully caught it from her. I know you will welcome her in our family with open arms. Although she is of a different race and religions than ours and I know you often-express tolerance will permit you to be bothered by that. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I did not have concussion or skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. She is not pregnant. I am not engaged, she is not infected and there is no girl friend in my life. However, I am passed only in one subject among five and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving son
***********
sambhar of 69 [Hindi Remix Summer of 69]
Got my first real six rupees,
stole it from my father's pants.
went to a madrasi hotel,
to eat the sambhar of 69.
Me and some kadke dost,
had it all and we caught bukhaar,
jimy puked, joey got ulcers,
and Bagga ne maari dakar.
Oh when I went back there now,
the food was as stale as ever,
and though it was 1999,
still the sambhar was being served over there,
that was the worst food of my life.
Therez no use in complaining,
when you got no other place to eat,
rushed in the evening to the doctors clinic, but he too was at the
toilet seat, yeah
standing there waiting outside,
nurse told me I will wait forever,
oh and when I held my breath,
I knew that I had to use that loo there
That was the worst food of my life.
Back to the sambhar of 69.
Man I was getting killed,
I was full and restless,
I needed to unwind,
I guess nothing can wait forever - FOREVER... NO!
stole it from my father's pants.
went to a madrasi hotel,
to eat the sambhar of 69.
Me and some kadke dost,
had it all and we caught bukhaar,
jimy puked, joey got ulcers,
and Bagga ne maari dakar.
Oh when I went back there now,
the food was as stale as ever,
and though it was 1999,
still the sambhar was being served over there,
that was the worst food of my life.
Therez no use in complaining,
when you got no other place to eat,
rushed in the evening to the doctors clinic, but he too was at the
toilet seat, yeah
standing there waiting outside,
nurse told me I will wait forever,
oh and when I held my breath,
I knew that I had to use that loo there
That was the worst food of my life.
Back to the sambhar of 69.
Man I was getting killed,
I was full and restless,
I needed to unwind,
I guess nothing can wait forever - FOREVER... NO!
Falling Brick
A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story, when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground.
The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy".
Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff "F**K HE'S DEAD"
The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy".
Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff "F**K HE'S DEAD"
Longer Life
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Ciggarettes
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.
Email id's of indian cricketers
1.LAXMAN:
available@home-only.com
2.GANGULY:
nowadays@no_use.com
3.KUMBLE:
only@test_match.com
4.SACHIN:
admitted@hospital.com
5.KAIF:
good@for_nothing.com
6.SEHWAG:
consistently@out_of_form.com
7.DRAVID:
stick@crease_like_fevicol.com
8.PATHAN:
takewickets@only_with_kenya.com
9. GREG CHAPPELL
only_experiment@noresult.com
10. Munaf Patel
only_line&length@nospeed.com
11.Harbhajan Singh
no_spinpitch@nowicket.com
12. Suresh Raina
why_i_am_there@god_knows.com
available@home-only.com
2.GANGULY:
nowadays@no_use.com
3.KUMBLE:
only@test_match.com
4.SACHIN:
admitted@hospital.com
5.KAIF:
good@for_nothing.com
6.SEHWAG:
consistently@out_of_form.com
7.DRAVID:
stick@crease_like_fevicol.com
8.PATHAN:
takewickets@only_with_kenya.com
9. GREG CHAPPELL
only_experiment@noresult.com
10. Munaf Patel
only_line&length@nospeed.com
11.Harbhajan Singh
no_spinpitch@nowicket.com
12. Suresh Raina
why_i_am_there@god_knows.com
A-Z
A for apple.
B for bada apple.
C for chhota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for hazar apple
I for itney saarey apple?
J for jaao nahi khaana hai apple
K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple
L for lena padhega tumko apple
M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple
N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple
O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple
P for peth bhar Ke khaao apple
Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple
R for roz agar khaao tum apple
S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple
T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple
U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple
V for very tasty hai yeh apple
W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple
X for X'mas mei bhii khane padenge apple
Y for youn na chehra phero dekhkey apple
Z for zaroor dil bhar gaya hoga khake itne saare apple
B for bada apple.
C for chhota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for hazar apple
I for itney saarey apple?
J for jaao nahi khaana hai apple
K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple
L for lena padhega tumko apple
M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple
N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple
O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple
P for peth bhar Ke khaao apple
Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple
R for roz agar khaao tum apple
S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple
T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple
U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple
V for very tasty hai yeh apple
W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple
X for X'mas mei bhii khane padenge apple
Y for youn na chehra phero dekhkey apple
Z for zaroor dil bhar gaya hoga khake itne saare apple
Donkey in Tracksuit
One day a donkey kicked a sarder on his back and ran away.Sarder ran to catch him and found a zebra in the field.Sarder kicked the zebra on his back and said " Salla Trackshuit pahenke dhoka de raha tha..."
What's in the bag?
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.
He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.
When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.
When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
Crazy people talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Explanation
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."
Catch the cricket action with MSN! Click here!
The creation of the woman
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing..........................
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing!
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing..........................
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing!
E-Mail Errors...
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
The Happy Hangover
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
Tips from the I.T. Dept.
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.
15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you ?
22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.
26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.
27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in
32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
Your friendly computer guy.
SMS
CONGRATS.Your phone has been installed with a new puzzle game. To play,throw your phone against the wall.Then assemble the pieces....
SMS
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.
Navy Chief
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Relatives in-laws
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
Talks
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
New Blog for My Jokes and SMS collections
I was creating some new posts of humors section of medicaltranscriptionnepal.blogspot.com and just came a thought of creating a next blog containing some good and funny jokes and sms collections. And here is it.